the book of fire: 心神喪失

mental health, or lack thereof

(2x)Polar

i.
Depression is a
beast that makes you think that you
can see the future.

"I surrender to despair.
Nothing will change anyway."

ii.
Eighty per cent is
genetics, and the rest is,
she guesses, bad luck.

She wants to shout at someone.
This mockery of a life.

iii.
Breeze through his window.
Sound of traffic and people.
They don't know a thing.

How much he would give to walk
outside, and not die inside.

addiction, take three

poppymilk slumber;
I fight it off like a stone
tied about my neck

Houston, we have a problem:
I've been in this place before.

another victory for the fathomless monster

the emptiness swells.
suffocation, open doors.
future tastes like steel.

here I am again: this place.
October fields, crushed flowers.

"I thought I was better."

just a brief moment
the hopeful thought of escape--
but, reality:

the iron bars crash downwards
the shackles tighten cruelly

carbamazepine illusion

when the pills kick in
suddenly, it's as if all
things are bearable.

swaying in the evening breeze,
the Moon says, "sleep without fear."

dependent

yes, of course I'm hooked:
addicted to not being
in pain all the time!

how do I douse fires caused by
neural electricity?

depression swelling on a stormy evening

the night made too dark
heavy with rain and worry
thunderclouds like shrouds

I cannot see the shadows;
I let them choke me silent.

derealisation

they say I am split
owner of a stranger mind:
reality's bane.

...reality so fragile
I tear it like a petal

dissociation

well, I guess it's me?
standing there in the kitchen,
I think I'm hungry?

I think those are my hands, but
I also think I'm dreaming?

either of them

the furthest from here
far away as you can get
across that dull sea

suppose I could spend a week
in Torquay. it might be nice.

feeding SZ

break all the mirrors.
there are no words in me, now.
this demon in me:

a swollen beast of judgement
a soul never made happy.

Injurious

only seventeen
the blood stains my new school dress
and I am ashamed

wheresoever it comes from
it remains a tragedy

it eats (me destruit)

it's willpower. right?
this madness, ability--
this holy blank void.

like glass, crystal, sighs, snow, mist.
nothingness for everything.

burn me pure, break me:
build me up just one more time.
now, (re)born perfect.

(my head aches, my stomach screams
I pay them no heed. long lost.)

pharmaceutical glow

soft, warm, embracing,
the only time I feel fine.
pain is how I pay.

there could be a deeper sin,
a bad reason, but right now...

portraits from psychosis: 1, persecutor

the screaming girl rages
and I cower from her ire;
her life's glass smatters--

how can I hate her? her pain,
my burden, our fears mirrored.

why the poems were late

creativity
is always the first to die.
ghost in the water

as the disease swells, it takes,
and just returns an abyss.

why the poems were late II

traumatisation;
forcing the words out like blood
from a poisoned wound.

I wonder, am I dying?
is it winning this one, too?

SZ, roaring in the storm

calm? fine? what's all that?
I am one million thunders
and not a raindrop.

I am deafening silence.
I fight wars with my eyes closed.

split/many-in-one

word: traumagenic.
beginnings tangled in hate.
wounds, memories. sins.

retaliation: steal words.
we too will be called "Legion"

switchflick

crawl to the finish.
drag yourself across the line.
(gasping like dying.)

here's first prize, motherfuckers:
you let me sleep for a month.

rise, timid anger.
turn me into a martyr.
turn me monster-vile.

(oh, I will fight this demon
with dirty tricks and slumber.)

T.I.F.U.

the fullness smothers.
the inspiration vanished.
not light, not easy.

motivation devoured
(along with everything else)

fat pig, She whispers.
does it hurt? you deserve it.
still the words won't come.

you can't hide from what you did.
this is fitting punishment.

I know what She did:
She snarled and ate all my words
and I deserve it --

She always whispers to me;
doesn't have to be this way.

if I am weightless
and the sunlight shines through me
will I find my words?

crawling on hands and skinned knees
promising never again

I'll stay clean, stay pure
I will show more self-control
I will stay empty!

just please bring them back to me.
take all else, but not my words

sugar burns like sin,
counting all the vile numbers
waiting, ignoring,

marking time, doing penance
(oh my god, I am so tired)

valiuminvalidation

I love you feed me
relieve me of nothingness
bring on more nothing

sweet ten and I'm gone, slumb'ring
addiction is so simple

to anyone who
isn't lost to a bottle
of cosmos pink pills

I love you I love you babe
put on the music and sleep

validation found
why bother staying awake?
an "easy" escape

(oh god I hate everything
make me disappear now)

mother's little helper has
me by the proverbials.